Friday Funnies...

What is a ten percent improvement on perfect?
~~~~~Mr. Anonymous himself


Another week has come and gone. I have been remiss in not keeping up with all the reading I normally do. Sometimes other things take precedence over my computer time. Not that I'm complaining. Not at all. Quite frankly, I'd much rather be spending time with and doing what I've been doing the last few days, than being home alone on the computer... I'm sure that most of you will understand. Right?

Even though I have to prepare for the last day at the donut place, I wanted to drop in with a quick note to let everyone know that I haven't dropped off the face of the earth. And to leave y'all with a funny email that O'Wise One sent me last night. I started laughing out loud and then Mr. A had to read it, we were both laughing as we read the ending. I was wiping the tears out of my eyes at the image it created. Hope it brings a wee bit of laughter to y'all as well.

TEXAS CHILI CONTEST

Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud,
then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

NOTE: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention
to the first two judges (who were experienced judges), the reaction
of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true
this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking
lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an
inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting
from Springfield, IL.

Frank:  "Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge
at a chili-cooking contest. The original person called in
sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there
at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light
truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during
the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is judge #3.)

Chili #1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili

Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.

Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge #3 - (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?!
You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to putout the flames.
I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy!

Chili #2 Austin's Afterburner Chili

Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.

Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not
sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave
off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


Chili #3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

Judge #1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans.

Judge #2 - A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use
of peppers.

Judge #3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting
pie-eyed from all of the beer..

Chili #4 Dave's Black Magic

Judge #1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish
for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili.

Judge #3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300-lb woman is starting to look HOT.just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac???

Chili #5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover

Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly
ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato;
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead,
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind
me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if
I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges
asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.


Chili #6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety

Judge #1 - Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of spices and peppers.

Judge #2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions,
and garlic.  Superb.

Judge #3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulphuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted
and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems
inclined to stand behind me anymore. I need to wipe my butt
with a snow cone.

Chili #7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili

Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.

Judge #2 - Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw
in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.

Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and
the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants
are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy,
they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing;
it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Chili #8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili

Judge #1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild,
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted,
passed out, fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have
reacted to really hot chili.

And so it goes......

Friday Funnies...

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Friday Funnies...

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book.
~~~~~Irish Proverb



The workday requirements took precedence over my getting a few jokes posted today. Thankfully it was the last day of raging against the machine. My body thinks it's chewed me up and spit me back out. I hurt in places I forgot I had. Laughing at these little jokes might help ease the pain coursing through my muscles. That and a good long soak in the tub.

O'Wise One has done her part in my healing by sending me the first one. I had to call her late last night almost in tears over it. Awh, she knew I would break out in peals of laughter.

I do hope that they tickle your funny bone as well.

Lizard Birth...

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through
the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead
goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! 

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. 

Here's what happened: 

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to
tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of
the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. 

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me.
'I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?' 

I put my best lizard-healer expression on
my face and followed him into his bedroom.
One of the little lizards was indeed lying on
his back, looking stressed.
I immediately knew what to do.. 

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!' 

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed.
'She's having babies.' 

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names
are Bert and Ernie, Mom!' 

I was equally outraged. 

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we
didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly
to my wife. 

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign
in their cage?' she inquired 
(I think she actually said this sarcastically!) 

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!'
I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm,
sweet voice, while gritting my teeth). 

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed. 

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys,
you know,' she informed me
(Again with the sarcasm!). 

By now the rest of the family had gathered to
see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to
make the best of it. 

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,'
I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle
of birth..' 

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked 

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do
with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted
to know. 

We peered at the patient. After much struggling,
what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly,
vanishing a scant second later. 

'We don't appear to be making much progress,'
I noted. 

'It's breech,' my wife whispered, horrified. 

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged. 

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and
grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a
gentle tug.
It disappeared. I tried several more times with
the same results. 

'Should I call 911 ? ' my eldest daughter wanted
to know. 

'Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.'
(You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) 

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to
the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. 

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged. 

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted
to him.
(Women can be so cruel to their own young.
I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this
boy is of her womb). 

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room
and peered at the little animal through a magnifying
glass. 

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested
scientifically. 

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured.
'Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you
privately for a moment?' 

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. 

'Is Ernie going g to be okay?' my wife asked. 

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not
in labor..
In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy.
You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally,
as they come into maturity, like most male species,
they um . . um . . masturbate.
Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed,
glancing at my wife. 

We were silent, absorbing this. 

'So, Ernie's just . just . . excited,' my wife offered. 

'Exactly,' the vet replied , relieved that we understood. 

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started
to giggle. And giggle. 
And then even laugh loudly. 

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing,
but not believing that the woman I married would
commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. 

Tears were now running down her face.
'It's just .that . .I 'm picturing you pulling on its . . .
its. . . teeny little . . ',
she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. 

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and
hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into
the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay. 

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,'
he told me. 

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed,
collapsing with laughter.. 

Two lizards: $140. 

One cage: $50. 

Trip to the vet: $30.. 

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's
winkie:  Priceless! 


Moral of the story: 

Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs! 
~~~~~

Deal with the Devil...

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired.

Not only could this new pastor see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died.

The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building. "I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this way for a small time, he concluded with:

"But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."
~~~~~

Cowboy and the Indians

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, "You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days. On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse."

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse's ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the a**. The horse takes off.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians look at each other, figuring, "Typical white man - can only think of one thing."

The second day, the chief says, "What your wish today?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the a**.

Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead. She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, "Typical white man - going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says, "This your last wish, white man. What you want?"

The cowboy says, "I want to see my horse again."

The Indians bring him his horse.

The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"





And so it goes......