Friday Funnies...

People may doubt what you say, but they will believe what you do.
~~~~~Lewis Cass



Another work week ends, and yet my work here at home is just beginning. How can that be? Didn't you know that a woman's work is never done? Yup, tis true. Don't believe me? Ask another woman... Ha Ha.

Since it's only a couple of weeks away from Cupid's Day, I must spend part of my weekend hours baking. Momma has promised to come help me with the making of cookies to send to 'Our Guys'. I think we will be making a extra box to send to the recovering Marine, B.B. and his wife.

Oh, didn't I tell y'all that he has arrived at Bethesda, his wife and parents are there, too. Momma had a phone conversation with his grandmother who relayed a few of his reactions to his injuries. "As soon as I can get out of here, I'm going back to get that S.O.B." Typical, isn't it? A Soldier wanting to get back into the fight. A true warrior. Especially now that it has become personal. His wife was heard to reply. "Oh no you aren't. We're going home to Kentucky!"
Time will tell who wins that argument.


Last week I neglected to post my usual Friday Funnies. I'm sorry, I was otherwise occupied. Today seems to be a good day to resume. I'm in need of a few good laughs. A hectic week, the drives to work being extremely harrowing, as well as being a touch lonely. Nothing cures the blues better than a good belly laugh or at least a chuckle to bring a smile to the face.

Our new OBAMA policies

Dear employee:


As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department
areas,we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early
retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who
represent our future.


Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the
next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect
immediately.


This program will be known as S.L.A.P.
(Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look
for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment
records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase
of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W.
(Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an
appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T.
(Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).


Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED
once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the
company deems appropriate.


If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled
to get: H.E.R.P.E.S.
(Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance)or
C.L.A.P. (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).


As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans,
any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S or C.L.A.P. will no
longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.


Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain
on board that the company will continue its policy of training
employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).


We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive.
We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in
this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T.
on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is
specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.


And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!

The Management

~~~~~
A Very Bad Day

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just staring at his drink,and he just stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps up next to him, takes the guy's drink, and just drinks it all down.The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking around. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "No-no, it's not that. Today day has been the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to a very important meeting. My boss,was so Furious, that he just up and fired me. Then, when I left the building to go to my car, I found,that It had been stolen. Then police, tell me that they could do nothing about it. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab, which had all of my money in it . I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

~~~~~

Oil Change instructions for Women :

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change: $20.00
Coffee: $1.00
Total: $21.00


Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7/11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in
trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin cussing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car gets impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
DUI: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $20.00
Total: $4,145.00

But you know the job was done right!




And so it goes......

Nature's Ice Sculptures...

Winter came down to our home one night
Quietly pirouetting in on silvery-toed slippers of snow,
And we, we were children once again.
~Bill Morgan, Jr.


Isn't there such a stark beauty in the whiteness of the snow contrasting with the darkness of the trunks and branches of the trees? I enjoyed vistas such as these on my drive home from work today. The weight of the snow and ice had the pine trees bending down almost as if in a bow of deference to the mighty wonder of Mother Nature. Of course, I wasn't thinking such thoughts early this morning. Oh no, I was much more concerned with keeping my car between the little ruts made by cars passing by before me. Yesterday morning we started the day with 6 inches of snow, followed by an entire evening of sleety rain. It left almost an inch of ice covering everything it touched. This morning was declared a snow emergency-level 2 and 3. But duty called, and I answered reluctantly. After I arrived at the donut place, it commenced to snowing again. Fast and furious, flakes as big as quarters or even larger. The cars in the parking lot were soon obscured by the additional 6 inches of frozen water flakes.

There were few brave souls who ventured out onto the clogged veins of snow and ice laden streets. But drywall must be made to eventually fortify the walls of other people's humble abodes. We soldiered on with a skeleton crew. The reports of road closures, and extreme warnings from official names resulted in the decision by the higher pay grades to cancel the 2 oncoming shifts. Equipment was shut down, lights turned off, and the worker bees released to find their way home.



This is the view that greeted me outside my kitchen door, as I stepped to the deck with my camera in hand. I had to preserve the beauty in that starkness at that precise second of time.






And so it goes......

Calling Heaven...

Good, honest, hardheaded character is a function of the home. If the proper seed is sown there and properly nourished for a few years, it will not be easy for that plant to be uprooted.
~~~~~George A. Dorsey



There have been many times in the last few years that I've picked up the phone to call my Daddy. Then I'd stop myself, asking why did I do that?, knowing that he can't answer. You see, Daddy passed away June 19th, 2005. It was Father's Day. I remember it like it was yesterday.

Tomorrow is his birthday. He was born on January 14, 1927. He would have been 82 had the cancer not stolen his hope. Yes, he had hoped to beat that ugly old cancer. I remember all of us kids discussing with him and Momma, all of the new, untried, holistic, quack remedies or possible cures. We girls had gone to the oncologists office with them. We knew the outcome. We knew the options. WE KNEW THERE WERE NONE...

Daddy had melanoma that had metastasized. The original cancer had started in his right eye. A seed radiation had been implanted to burn the melanoma, but we were cautioned then that if it didn't eradicate all of it, it would possibly return in his liver within a year. 14 months later, the mass was discovered on the liver's main aortic vessel. Surgery wasn't an option. Radiation wasn't an option. Chemotherapy was the only treatment with any hope. I took him to the Cancer Treatment Center 3 days a week. Every week. We started in late January and stopped near the end of April. After each treatment, we'd stop at some restaurant along the way home, have coffee or share a plate of french fries and catfish. And we'd talk, then talk some more.

That last treatment visit was so hard. The nurses knew that they wouldn't be seeing David B. Pierce, my Daddy come in anymore. He would always tease them, make jokes, and just be his general pain in the ass type of guy that he was.

And yet... Daddy had hope.

In early June, we moved him to my youngest sister's house. She owned a huge house, enough room for all of us and a hospital bed. Let me tell you, it was a really big home to hold all of us kids, her family, plus all the in-laws that came, grandchildren, whoever wanted to be there, stayed. We moved travel trailers into the driveway. We made pallets on the floor. We slept in chairs, on couches, and air mattresses. We didn't care. Daddy didn't want to go to Hospice nor would we allow him to.

My only problem was that she lived a little better than an hour away from me. I made arrangements to take FMLA leave. I took my remaining weeks vacation to spend with Daddy prior to the FMLA starting. I'm so very thankful I did. It was a week where Daddy's every wish and whim was granted. I remember how he once yelled at us when we didn't think the cost of one of those "cures" was worth it. He told us it held hope and that as long as he had that hope then he had a fighting chance on beating the cancer. We bought the "cure".


With two of my sisters being RN's, we all knew the medical terminology/jargon. I had done several stints in a Nursing Home. Momma had been an assistant in our local Doctor's office. The eldest brother had been an Air Force Medic for 7 years. We could handle anything Daddy needed. Or so we thought...

There were fights and arguments galore. Just because we all were adults didn't change the dynamics of being siblings. O'Wise One had reached the ripe old age of over fifty when Daddy gave her last spanking. All because of me. I think we were out on the front porch when being Daddy's daughter, I zinged her with a wet kitchen towel. Back and forth several times until she got the better of me and I let out a yelp. Daddy thought she had hurt me, so he smacked her on the butt. "Oh No Daddy, she didn't hurt me."

But she was. Not physically, but emotionally. She was devastated. As was I. That evening she and I went for a drive. Words needed to be said, tears needed to be cried. Within an hour, calls were being made to our cell phones to return. Seems we had that magic touch Daddy wanted. We can laugh about it now, but at the time, the thought that he would choose one over the other made both of us hurt. Apologies were given and accepted. Still, the feelings are there.

Several nights later, we spent his last evening sitting in the bedroom, crowded around the bed. Daddy wanted us to sing all his favorite songs. Several of my sisters have beautiful voices, as well as Momma. Me, I sing solo. So low, no one can hear me. As we sang, we'd all take turns brushing Daddy's scalp. His silver hair had fallen out without us paying much attention to it having done so. We would stop for a minute to make a comment or something another when Daddy would raise his eyebrows and motion with his eyes for us to continue. The youngest brother, and any of the rest of us girls who weren't rubbing his head or brushing his scalp, rubbed his legs, feet, hands and arms. Daddy enjoyed the rubs and we certainly needed to touch his warm skin as long as we could.

The one song that I'll always associate with my Daddy is the old gospel song of "I'll Fly Away". It had been his favorite as far back as I can remember. Since my speakers aren't working on my computer right now, I won't attempt to add a video. I need to hear it, too. But I will add the lyrics below and listen in my memories...

Some glad morning when this life is o'er,
I'll fly away;
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

[Chorus]
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

When the shadows of this life have gone,
I'll fly away;
Like a bird from prison bars has flown,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)

[Chorus]
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away;
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)

[Chorus]
I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

There's not a day that goes by, where I don't wish I could speak to Daddy just one more time. To rub his head or brush his hair, to sit at the table with him, sharing a piece of Pineapple Upside Down cake, his favorite. To watch him pick up the plate and lick the crumbs off. There are so many of Daddy's quirks that manifest themselves in us, his children and now his grandchildren. I know that Daddy will truly never die as long as we are alive. But there are so many days, I wish I could pick up that phone to hear his voice... One more time.

In our family, we have a little competition to see who can call whoever is having a birthday and be the first to wish them "Happy Birthday". This year, I think I've beaten everyone.

Happy Birthday Daddy! I will always love and miss you. I know you had to fly away.






And so it goes......

Friday Funnies...

It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy.
~~~~~Lucille Ball


It's been a very long week for me. I have this feeling it's going to be a much shorter weekend. My Hunny Bunnies and Booger Butts are in residence. With all the new toys they received for Christmas, I'm sure that they will be in a frenzy to break them all in. In fact, they've gotten a good head start on it already. Toys and games are strewn all over the living room, as well as the entire basement. Ahh well...They are only little for a short time.

My week wasn't helped by the fact that this contraption was diagnosed as having a virus infection. A really bad one. Thankfully, I was able to find someone with more computer savvy than I. And since he made house calls, I didn't have to untangle the multitude of pesky cords hidden behind my desk. Even though we downloaded my most important files prior to the eradication of said virus, I still lost some of my files and bookmarks. That hurt! Some of those lost were the sites I had recently found in my erstwhile search for new voices. Tickled pink I am that my most favorite voices are linked on the right.

Oops, I had laid down with the babies to get them to sleep. Guess who else was visited by the Sandman? 3 hours later I wake from an uncomfortable position at the foot of the bed. Reckon I should change this to Saturday Silliness, but tis not important. So I'll leave you with a few little bits of humor taken from my archives of "Jokes of the Day".

My Three Sons...

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly Mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our Mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took Elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your Mother likes. The chicken was delicious!"
~~~~~

Brave Captain Smith...

One fine day, Brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue. Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull & crossbones raised on the mast.

The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do. Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said "Bring me my red shirt."

The call was taken up at once by a cabin boy. As soon as Smith had the shirt in his possession, he ordered the man at the wheel to head straight for the pirate ship. In the ensuing fight, the pirate ship was all but destroyed.

The sailors were recounting their individual triumphs when someone asked Captain Smith why he had asked for his red shirt before the battle.

He responded "If I was wounded, I did not want your confidence to wane. This way, you would keep fighting no matter what happened to me."

The crew had a new found admiration for its captain, and the crew talked all night about his bravery. About a week later, there loomed on the horizon TEN pirate ships.

Once again, the crew looked to its captain for leadership. Calmly, Captain Smith said "Bring me my brown pants."
~~~~~

I'm A Believer...

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods.

"What majestic trees!
What powerful rivers!
What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God!..."

Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident.

Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very well," said the voice.

The light went out.

The sounds of the forest resumed.

And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke:

"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive..."






And so it goes......

Friday Funnies...

To the lamp of love: may it burn brightest in the darkest hours and never flicker in the winds of trial.
~~~~~Author Unknown


Knowing scripture can save your life - in more ways than one!


A woman was returning home from church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: 'Stop! Acts 2:38!'
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ, so that your sins may be forgiven.)

The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: 'Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.'

'Scripture?' replied the burglar. 'She said she had an Ax and Two 38s!'
~~~~~

Three men -

A Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all
walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie
pops out of it. 'I will give each of you one wish, which is three
wishes in total', says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want
the land to be forever fertile in Canada'. POOF! With the blink of
the Genie's eye,the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan,
Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians
can come into our precious land.' POOF! Again, with the blink of the
Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this
wall.' The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high,
500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country.
Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'
~~~~

Alternative Affirmations...

It is a time of resolutions. I made one resolution many years ago and I have stuck to it. I resolved to no longer make resolutions. The following are some alternative affirmations for a new year.

At the end of one year and the start of another, many of us will renew our commitment to living with daily affirmations. I know the power of affirming my truth, over and over, everyday! While these may not suit everyone's taste, here are some "possible" affirmations to consider!

1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt, I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my imagination into ever-soaring levels of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.

4. In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.

5. My intuition nearly makes up for my lack of wisdom and judgment.

6. I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper, and complain.

7. When someone hurts me, I know that forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit, but not nearly as rewarding.

8. I am at one with my duality.

9. Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves in knots.

10. I will strive to live each day as if it were my 50th birthday.

11. I honor and express all facets of my being, regardless of state and local laws.

12. Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than "I told you so!"

13. A scapegoat is almost as good as a solution.

14. Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day in my underwear. Instead, I will move my computer into the bedroom.

15. I will no longer waste my time reliving the past; I will spend it worrying about the future.

16. The complete lack of evidence is the surest proof that the conspiracy is working.

17. Before I criticize a man, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he's a mile away and barefoot.

18. I will no longer procrastinate... starting tomorrow.

(note: I added the last one just for good measure. The reality is that I know I procrastinate... As I sit here staring at my Christmas tree. There is one consolation though, I also know I'm in good company.)






And so it goes......