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Friday, November 28, 2008

Friday Funnies...

Oh, for the good old days when people would stop Christmas shopping when they ran out of money.
~~~~~Author Unknown


History Quotes...

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.

'Very good!' Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed.
Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.' She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians,'
'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up.
'General Custer,1862.'

At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister,1991.'

Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , 'Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!'

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said 'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you.'
Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, ' Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him- 2004.'

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, 'Oh sh*t, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American people, November 4, 2008."
~~~~~

Court Jester...
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you
that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: Because my name is Susan!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you kidding me?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then is it possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
~~~~~

Words from Late Night TV Hosts...

"Everyone's talking about the American auto industry right now. A new study justcame out and found that the Ford Motor Company makes the cars with the highest safety rating. Of all the cars, yeah. Yeah, apparently, Ford cars are so safe because they never leave the dealer's lot." --Conan O'Brien

"And tomorrow, President Bush will pardon turkeys. This year, I think you know the turkeys, the Lehman brothers. Here's what I don't like about the turkeys this year, they're arrogant. These turkeys that they're going to pardon this year, they're arrogant. They're flying in from Detroit on their private jets." --David Letterman

"Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama announced his new economic team. You know what he should do? Hire those people who were in charge of his fundraising campaign. We can pay this thing off in like a week." --Jay Leno

"A political organization has filmed a new TV ad thanking Sarah Palin for all she did during the presidential campaign. Yeah. I believe the political organization is called the Democratic Party." --Jay Leno

"NASA has developed a urine machine that will convert urine into water. Well, guess what? It's on the blink. And you thought the coffee was bad where you work." --David Letterman

"In a speech this morning, Barack Obama said, 'This isn't about big government or small government. It's about building a smarter government.' When he heard this, President Bush said, 'I get it. I get it. I'm leaving.'" --Conan O'Brien

"According to some statistics the government released yesterday, Mexican immigration to the United States has dropped 42 percent over the last two years. And you have to hand it to President Bush, he knew that the way to stop people from sneaking into the country, it's not to build a fence or a wall, it's to make this country very undesirable. Most illegal immigrants come here to make money, but now we don't have any money anymore. That's Number 43 for you, always thinking ahead." --Jimmy Kimmel

"How about Sarah Palin? What a gal! Making a $7 million book deal. And she's very excited because she claims she can see Barnes & Noble from her house. But she's got a tremendous deal, and she got a great guy working on the deal: Joe the Agent. He closed the deal." --David Letterman

"The three big domestic automakers are now saying they are working jointly on a new hybrid car. It runs on a combination of state and federal bailout money." --Jay Leno






And so it goes......

Friday, November 21, 2008

Once A Marine, Always A Marine...

With ordinary talent and extraordinary perseverance, all things are attainable.
~~~~~Thomas Foxwell Buxton


I'm sure that everyone has heard that (the post title) at least once in their lifetime. But what happens to those Marines when they've been injured fighting for our country? Do they cease being a Marine? No! I've worked with men who had served in the Marines for years, had retired, and yet they continue to consider themselves Marines. I also know that they will do anything possible for a brother in arms. I've read many stories of our Heroes over the last year and half in regards to the men who just wouldn't quit after being injured. Some of those men have lost limbs and eyesight. Yet, the very first question they ask is "when can I get back to my unit?" or "I need to return to my men." Perhaps that's where they get their motto. Semper Fi or Always faithful.

Below you are going to read an excerpt from one such story. Only this man is in charge of more than a few injured Marines. Read how he is helping them along the return route. All I have to say...

Staying Power: Wounded Marines Ordered to do Their Part to Recover

By Fred W. Baker III
American Forces Press Service



CAMP LEJEUNE, N.C. , Nov. 21, 2008 -

Marine Capt. Ray Baronie was traveling in a convoy in Ramadi, Iraq, on Dec. 1, 2005 when an anti-tank round blasted his truck. Baronie's legs were shattered, his body cut and bloodied. His driver was killed. The truck rolled onto its side, and then he was shot at. But really hard times didn't hit until Baronie came back to the United States.

"That's really when hell started. In one year, I had 46 surgeries," he said.

Baronie's right leg was amputated above the knee. He lost major muscle from both legs. He can tap his thigh bone through the skin on the back of his left leg. He now walks with the help of a cane and a prosthetic right leg. Scars cover his arms.

But Baronie's injuries haven't stopped him from stepping in front of a Marine formation and continuing his active duty. In fact, quite the opposite. His injuries have uniquely qualified him to run one of three companies in the U. S. military designed to house and care for seriously wounded Marines.

Remarkably, Baronie was offered the job while he was still in the hospital recovering from his wounds. He now commands 100 or so Marines who make up Company A, Wounded Warrior Battalion East, part of the Wounded Warrior Regiment stood up at Marine Corps Base Quantico, Va., by order of the commandant of the Marine Corps in April 2007.

"I had to get better because I had to get back to work," Baronie said. "How fast could I get back to work? That's what it came down to. I think me knowing that I had a job sped up my recovery."

Please do the clicky click thing on the link above to read the rest of this amazing story. You will come to understand what just how much this country has been blessed with men such as these.





And so it goes......

Friday Funnies...

We can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures.
~~~~~Thornton Wilder


Since I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off, preparing for an influx of sisters', brothers', nieces, nephews, Momma, the in-laws and out-laws, too, I thought I would post some "Thanksgiving" related jokes and such.

Tonight, the cooking starts...

It might be a few days before I've recuperated enough to be out and about in the blogosphere. Ha! Another joke... You forgot about this addiction of mine, didn't ya?


Thanksgiving Facts:

By the fall of 1621 only half of the pilgrims, who had sailed on the Mayflower, survived. The survivors, thankful to be alive, decided to give a thanksgiving feast. Aren't we all thankful?

Thanksgiving Day is celebrated on the second Monday in October in Canada. Darn, they've got a head start on us.

The drink that the Puritans brought with them in the Mayflower was the beer. Hmmm, so they liked beer, did they?

The first Thanksgiving celebration lasted three days. Still true today. 2 days to prepare and 1 to eat!

President George Washington issued the first national Thanksgiving Day Proclamation in the year 1789 and again in 1795. Did they not celebrate their being thankful the years in between?

Sarah Josepha Hale, an editor with a magazine, started a Thanksgiving campaign in 1827 and it was result of her efforts that in 1863 Thanksgiving was observed as a day for national thanksgiving and prayer. Even back then, the media was good at influencing the public.

Abraham Lincoln issued a 'Thanksgiving Proclamation' on third October 1863 and officially set aside the last Thursday of November as the national day for Thanksgiving. Whereas earlier the presidents used to make an annual proclamation to specify the day when Thanksgiving was to be held. Say what? So it was whenever the President at the time decided that we needed to be thankful? Oy Vey!! What were they thinking?


President Franklin D. Roosevelt restored Thursday before last of November as Thanksgiving Day in the year 1939. He did so to make the Christmas shopping season longer and thus stimulate the economy of the state. Oh Lordy! Let's not give them any ideas here.

Congress passed an official proclamation in 1941 and declared that now onwards Thanksgiving will be observed as a legal holiday on the fourth Thursday of November every year. Can you imagine Congress actually doing something constructive?
~~~~~


Q- What will a turkey with a dramatic bent of mind say to another turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
Ans- To be or not to be roasted, that is the question.
~~~~~

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout. Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus." "Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"
~~~~~

Thanksgiving Divorce -

A man in Jacksonville calls his son in San Diego the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Denver and tell her.”

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this,” She calls Jacksonville immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”

~~~~~

Thanksgiving Weather Forecast:

In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one, you should be sure to email your Mom. Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near 190F. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder.

During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy.

A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone.

~~~~~

Things to do and say to liven up Thanksgiving Dinner:

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are Thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught" and refuse to say anything more.

3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.

4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the Turkey was past expiration date. You were worried for nothing."






And so it goes......

Friday, November 7, 2008

Friday Funnies...

A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
~~~~~Bill Cosby

The difference between Republicans & Democrats

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republicans pocket and gave him fifty dollars.
~~~~~

Purchasing new brains

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.

"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."

"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."

"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain? Why on earth is that?"

"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we would have to kill?"
~~~~~

Strange But True...

The song, "Yankee Doodle" was originally sung by British Soldiers to insult the colonialists ( which was typical of the British in those days). The Continental Army took to singing it to annoy the British (which was typical of the colonialists).
~~~~~
William P. Holcomb, whose job is to supervise the tracking down of Houston, Texas parking ticket violators. It was revealed that he had 375 unpaid tickets.
~~~~~
This last weekend I was reminded at the pace we are converting to metric. I was on I-75 in Ohio when I saw a sign that said: All signs metric Next 20 miles
~~~~~
When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon shopping list - then it's a ''portable hand-held communications inscriber,'' says a Republican senator.
~~~~~
In Atlanta, U.S. District Judge Charles Moye overturned a death sentence for a murderer because the jury that convicted him 10 years ago had asked for a Bible during deliberations.
~~~~~
For people with lots on their agenda, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing Company (3M) creates 25-inch-by-30-inch Post-It Easel Pads.
~~~~~
Gene Robinson, 24, was arrested in Dayton, Tenn., after having sat for part of a session as a member of a grand jury hearing drug cases. He had already voted on 20 indictments when the next name that came up was his. He raised his hand, said, "That's me," and excused himself. His fellow members indicted him, and police arrested him at his home a short time later.
~~~~~
Faced with economic pressures, many commercial offices are cutting back on costs wherever possible, in an attempt to remain profitable. At one particular office, employees are taking management's belt-tightening orders seriously:
"I'm taking home only half the office supplies I used to", one staffer notes.
~~~~~
A replacement bus driver hired by Greyhound during the drivers' strike met the bus he was to drive from Delaware to New York City. However, a passenger on the bus wound up driving to New York because the substitute driver could not drive a stick shift.
~~~~~
A Japanese rancher told reporters in Tokyo in July that he herds cattle by outfitting them with pocket pagers (beepers), which he calls from his portable phone. After a week of training, the cows associate the beeping with eating and hustle up for grub.
~~~~~
The Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation reported the development of an odor that makes gamblers bet more. In a study in Las Vegas, slot machines outfitted to emit the odor racked up 45 percent more business. The neurologist who conducted the study predicted that the scent will become widely used in Las Vegas.
~~~~~
Escondido attorney Ben Echeverria filed a $2 million lawsuit against Texaco Inc. and a local gas station manager because station attendants were pumping gas for women at self-service prices, but not for men. The station almost immediately stopped its practice and forced women to start pumping for themselves.
~~~~~
Gerrad, a friend of mine, bought a computer, even though he had never even used a typewriter before. After investigating the computer, he decided to call the help line. A friendly voice explained step by step how his new machine worked. All went well until the voice told him to press the space bar. After studying the keyboard, Gerrad said; "I've got the latest model and it doesn't have a space bar." But after further explanation, he managed to find it.

A week later, Gerrad again had problems and called the help line. An instructor was then sent to his house for training. But after a few minutes, Gerrad's head was spinning. "You don't need to go any further," he sighed, I don't understand a thing." To cheer him up, the instructor said: "Hey, there are people who understand a lot less than you. Last week we had someone on the phone who didn't even know where the space bar was!"
~~~~~





And so it goes......